Humor

The Way All Started...

To understand us, first, you have to think that the pilgrims went north, not south. You see, in Spain 1492, this guy CC (still, is bad luck to mention his name more than twice. I did it last week), supposedly Italian...humm -some historians now say that he was a noble in disgrace- spent 10 years near of Castellan Majesty Isabella talking about the new land. Ten years!

“Doña Isabella, please, I beg you for the last time, the Yorkists are going to go first and the continent... I assure you there is a continent out there, will be named as Henry...you know, that Queen Elizabeth’s husband. Hello?”

But Queen Isabella was absorbed looking through the window seeing his majesty...uh, taking care of important business in the, garden. Yes.

“CC, (she knew) I’m sick and tired of your new continent! Geez! Give me a break! Will you? I have MORE things to think about that, that continent of yours! Man! You definitely are a pain in the a...!”

“Sorry your Majesty, I don’t mean to bug you...it’s only...yes, keep my mouth shot. Sorry.”
“Consigliere! Where is this guy when you need him? I’ll bet he’s also taking care of business with the King!”

Since Castilleans and Leons finally had won the war against al-Ayman Zawahri’s great, great, great, grand parents, Queen Isabella look after her purse, took some jewels and quietly talked with her personal business assistant. He nodded all the time, of course, made a caravan and run fast through the red carpet to the door.

“Pinzon! Any of the brothers! Who cares? You! the big guy: got you the deal for the Italian. Take some prisoners and sail wherever CC (he knew also) wants to drown himself. Uh...the usual for me on this?

CC (we know) sailed next morning with the Santa Maria, La Niña and La Pinta, some three lousy boats the size of a yellow bus, to discover the new lands far and away!

It could be worse if the Pilgrims had gone south...

WHAT IF some Mr. Ayshman alTawahiri AbdSahab elBanahiri… decides to immigrate, legally, to the U.S. (are you sure you could recognize him? Shave the beard, put him on a golf cart and presto! Another Jewish player…) to start –let's say– his very own bakery shop:

“Taliban Non-Cholesterol Premium Bread: Eat it. You’ll survive.”

OR…what if good'ld former U.K. Prime Minister Ms.Thatcher had lost the Malvinas/Falkland War? We all be still dancing Tango! Beatles? Rolling Stones? Elton John? Nah…What's the Argentinean translation for James Bond?

WHAT IF Mr. Columbus (last name Colón, for Christ sake! We don't call Mr. George Washington as Jorgito Uascinton) in stead of made a left turn in Guanani Island…would made a RIGHT turn and go north?

Oops.

First. Catholic churches everywhere in the U.S.! The whole Colombian continent! No Billy Graham, pastors or Mormons. Nope, Mr. Agustine Torton… sorry. No black priests. Well, this Father Gus did it, anyway. Cardenal Tortoni...perhaps?

Richard Nixon: uh… Ricardo Nizon. A guy from Asturias, Spain, 3 women, 17 kids, beer-bellied, politician and importer of cheap wine from Barcelona. George W. Bush… will become Jorge Monte, son of a rich farmer from Catalunya, with extended lands –plain and untouched for ever– in the southwest of… the 'Autonomous Province of Tejas', part of New Spain…

 

Barak Hussein Obama… with all due respect sir, sorry.

Bill Gates: Miguel Puertas… president of the family-owned, Madrid-based, 150-year-old Puertas Machine Company, Ltd., importers of fine typewriters and delicious salami. Young don Miguel came with the idea, after 17 years waiting for the approval from motherland… of bringing ordenadores (computers) from Portugal with software made in Barcelona, of course! The Puertas family, along with the Rocafelos, Dupons, Vanderlins and Montes… the ancient families, are the owners of the Real Uascinton soccer team of the New Spain Professional Soccer League. They always defeat the also ancient California Soccer Team, owned by those fine gentlemen from the 'Autonomous Province of Mejico'…

Corn Flakes? Hot Dogs? Apple Pie? Hamburgers & Fries?…Bread with tomato. Salami slices with olives. Paella and pastry from the Caribbean colonies…

iPads, iPhones, iPods, iTunes...iComputers, iApple: ay ordenadores manzana? (?). Working 60 hours a week? Are you out of your mind? Only in China. Been there before. Old pal Marco Polo sold us the map with a good discount...

Fannie Mae & Freddie Mac? Subprime mortgages? Toxic assets? Nah! Only the great celebration of the 519 years of the Bank of Cristobal: fine wine from Montaña, fine d’hordeurs from Caroliña, fine young escorts from...the island of Manajata, HQs of the Cristobal Bank in the La Pared Street: “Lending money to the ones that don’t need it, always.”

Look it the bright side: CC’s mistake (it’s bad luck to mention his name twice) would save American tourists to Punta Cana all the hasle with the Spanish language: “Americano! Give me one dollar!” So you could answer in perfect Spanish: “Ay no men, no tengo dinero. Y tu?” ("oh no, man, I have no money. And you?")